Laying it all out....


Been kinda down lately. Don't know exactly what it is. Not feeling "it"... whether it be running, studying, committing to all the committments for the reserve center, etc. etc. Not really eating all that well either - so that weight loss front has come to a screaching halt. Luckily I haven't put much weight back on, but I'm not going downhill with it either.

You know, I find it easy to come on here to all of you and tell you how I feel good about a run, or GREAT about one, or PR this, etc, but I wouldn't feel true to you all if I didn't tell you how crappy running has been for me lately. It's not something I'm not enjoying right now. In fact, I'll use David's exact words "Runnins' the devil". Blame it on many things, but that really doesn't matter. My mind and physical strength should be able to break through any barriers I can't control, be it the weather, wind, heat, etc. I hate excuses these days. It's MY fault I'm not running great. So, I need help. I've never been one of those people that is able to pick up anything and be great at it, and running is something I have to put effort into to really get anything out of. It doesn't come natural to me, like it does others.

I had a track workout to do Tuesday after work. I hit the track, thought I was thinking positively for my upcoming 5x800's. I did my warmup in the mid 8's, which I should have been a little slower on that. 1st 500 was at a decent pace.. Ok - on to #2 of the 5. I started off and about 400m into it, I slowed down and I could tell... I ended up with just a small % faster than my warmup. What's up with that? The negative feelings flooded my mind and it was completely downhill from there. I started into my 3rd, and half way through - I QUIT. I just stopped... I got my water and walked off the track, got in my car, and went home. I got home, David asks "How was it". I said "I'm a failure", and that's how I felt. How could I NOT do 3 more 800's? What is wrong with me? I can't tell you how disgusted I felt. And what's worse than that, is that I failed to get up the next morning and try it again. That's what I should have done, to proove it to myself. I didn't...

Yesterday was my usual swim at lunch. I didn't go, just didn't go - I didn't even leave work at all - stayed there, ate some kind of minimeal at my desk, and reserached car stuff. And, honestly I didn't feel that bad about it. David asked me "What are you doing for a workout today". I replied "nothing - don't feel like it"... and again, I didn't.

I knew I had to put a stop to this before It got really out of control - and I'm IN marathon training. I didn't do this in the beginning for my Half Training. Why now? I've been doing well on working out diligently. So, today was a 4 mile run - I did it at lunch in the heat, humidity, crazy... (Note to self - well worth getting up early AM to knock this out next week). I headed out, trying to stay positive thinking it's only 4 miles - Yet, it happened again... I ran down to the freeway and entered a loop, that I needed to do 4 times, then run home for it to be 4 miles. I ran it twice, then headed home. 4 miles turned into 3 miles and at a not so decent pace. So much for tempo. I can't call that my tempo for the week. Again - Failure.


At about 3:30 today, Robin and I got off the phone. I had been chatting to her about my feelings over the last few days - Thanks for listening!! When we hung up, I just got up from my desk and left. I decided to go for a swim. With the heat, I thought that this might be good, and I did skip it yesterday. I got there, and although lessons were going on, I did get my own lane, thankfully. I decided to change it up a bit, and do 100yd at a time, then rest for 20sec. It felt as though the yards flew by by breaking it down into 100's, and quite frankly I haven't been very good about doing 100yd at all without resting in between laps. So, PR on my 500yd swim, 13:16.

So, after that swim - I feel better, not great but better. I will be doing my long run on saturday and really looking forward to it and I already have it mapped out. I'll do the route that the hilly 5K was on, but in the middle of my 11 miles. I will be running the other hill though within that development, that's worse than the 5K one, so it will be challenging. I'm actually looking forward to it. I hope that this was just one of those weeks and I'll be back at it soon.

I'm home now, feel like veggin' out on the couch, but have some things to do to my car, and I think we may go grab some eatin's. Have a good evening, and thanks for letting me vent and be myself... and, ah, sorry so long-winded.

18 comments:

Marcy said...

(((HUGS))) Awwhhh Mendy you're NOT a failure. Believe me, I'm the master of starting things and then quiting (like REALLY quiting LOL) and this is just a little detour from the normal route. No biggie ;D All is not lost and you're still on track ;D

Do you think that maybe you have to much "pressure" to do well? (I mean internal pressure to perform at an optimal level) I know for me, once I have a couple crappy runs I kind of set myself up for disaster by being like "ohh you HAVE to do good now, last run was so crappy". Then as soon as there is a small fault while I'm running I get discouraged and take the whole thing as lost and then shut down. Most of the time if I just back off and kind of say "hey, it's ok if you don't make X time or it's ok if you have to jog/walk/roll/hobble at some point. Get it done however you have too LOL" then I start to relax and things go a lot smoother.

You WILL get back on track, I don't doubt it ;D We all have those craptastic weeks. I guess it just makes crossing the finish line that much better, right? ;)

Neese said...

you are not giving up, and that's what counts, it feels crappy to feel crappy and i'm sorry you are going through it right now, you are making steps in the right direction though! xoxo

Wes said...

Unless you live on a glass ball, or in one :-) there is no journey that does not have peaks and valleys. How you deal with those is all part of the learning process. Learning new stuff is cool :-)

I do all kinds of things when I'm not enjoying what I'm doing. Take running for example. I'll run without my Garmin or a watch for that matter. If I do run with the Garmin, I'll run 2 minute slower per mile pace and do 2 minute walk breaks instead of one. Swimming? I admit really dreading my long swims now. I'm up to an hour and 10 minutes. That's a long time to swim. I've learned to enjoy my one sided conversations, and I go SLOW... Well, slow for me.

Basically, what this long winded comment is saying is this is all natural. Deal with it. You will figure out what works best for you!

Jess said...

I've been on the same page this week!! Hope you feel better! ((Hug))

J~Mom said...

I hate it when this happens. Try to remember that we all feel this way from time to time...even the guys. ;>)
Can you tap into why you are doing the marathon...is it the feeling at the end? The pride of finishing? The fun of the community? The satisfaction of training hard and having it pay off? When I stop and think about crossing that finish line and being so dang happy that all of my hard work paid off it helps me to focus.

We are here cheering for you whatever you do and whatever you decide. Even if you told us tomorrow that you are done we still want to come here and read about you and how you put up with 80s man. :>) Well we might try to gently nudge you back but you know.

(((HUGS))) If you need me to send you the pic of Marcy picking her nose for a good solid belly laugh, just let me know.

Oh and when all else fails...shoes...new shoes. Not the running kind. The super-cute-I-am-one-hot-momma-kind. Ahh...that always makes life better.

David said...

Mendy's too busy to answer right now, but she said "Yes, I would like a pic of Marcy picking her nose."

:-)

Marcy said...

Pffftttt forget it, I'll post it up myself (later, once I post) and don't think for a second that I don't have a pic of Lisa doing it too :P So HA Lisa!

sunshine said...

Sorry you're going through a rough patch. You're not a failure! We run for fun and training should be an enjoyable experience (for the most part...)

I mean this in the most supportive way possible -- good for you for walking off the track. I think sometimes we just need to have the guts to admit to ourselves that today just isn't the day. :)

Hope your long run is an enjoyable one! I'll be thinking of you when I'm out there doing mine. :)

J~Mom said...

Dangit Marcy you told me you deleted it. As long as it's not the pic of me picking my butt it's all good.

Mendy said...

Thanks, everyone for the comments! It's been a rough week for me, mentally and physically - so much appreciated! I'm back now - haven't been online much because of my laptop acting stupid and my network wouldn't work for a while - and I work in technology - duh!!!

Again, thanks. Marcy has a point -I think I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself internally and feel like I can't get to where I want to. Also, look at the mad machine I live with, too.

Nikki said...

Gosh, Mendy...I know how you feel! I'm not anywhere near your running abilities or strength but I have felt the way you described over the last month..and I let it last that long.

I would suggest you re evaluate why you feel the need to push so hard if your just not "into" it all that hard? Is is because of dh's endurance and stamina?

I hope you can find those boot straps and come on out of it :)

Marcy said...

LOL I hope this week is better for you ;D and you get that laptop fixed!! We miss you :-(

Chad in the Arizona Desert said...

One way I have found of making sure to complete a run, especially a long run, is to go with a course that forces me to do the whole thing. I don't like multiple loop courses because it is too easy to cut it short when you get tired. Most of the time I run out-and-backs because I will have to run the second half if I want to see home again. You might want to give it a try to see if it gets you out of your slump.

Gotta Run said...

Look at all the peolpe cheering you on!! You will get through this. We have all been there at some point or another.

We will talk more when we get back into Greenville. Hang in there!!

Amy said...

Listen to your body and mind - take a break - a real guilt free break for a few days. I bet you will be craving a run or swim before you know it.

Jess said...

Dont be daia!!! I willcleanse yor aruoa!! I;m cleaninsing, cleaing,....

Nikki said...

LMAO...What is Jess into today?

Just checking in on you Mendy!

I think Randy is going to post some ugly feet pics, so you gotta come and see ;)

Tiffany said...

Come back to BlogLand soon!!!!!!!